First Cut Hurts the Worst
by finlaure
Summary: How does Gibbs handle stress? Just give it a chance please, you might like it, or not. And it might not be what you think.
1. Chapter 1

"First Cut Hurts the Most" Chapter one

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Spoiler—Finale season six, and any other times this happened.

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or much else for that matter. What I do own are my dreams and imagination, and they are priceless.

Warnings – Rated a strong T for violence, disturbing imagery and language, but not really until the second chapter. Then take the warning seriously.

A/N – Some people might think this is very OOC for Gibbs. But if you think about it, how does he let out all those emotions he keeps inside? Please give this a chance.

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**First Cut Hurts the Most**

Everyone in his life had asked him at one time or the other how he handled all the stress and horror in his life. He had actually answered some of them. No one knew about the first time he had done it. That had happened right after Shannon and Kelly had been murdered.

Mike Franks knew about the second time, but had let it go just telling him to be careful not to seriously hurt himself. And then he had head slapped him for acting stupid. Ducky knew because he had helped to clean him up after the third occasion. Tony knew because he had found him passed out drunk after the fourth time. He had actually kept the fifth time a secret because it was around the same time as Jenny's death and the team being broken up by Vance.

Jenny had known because he out right told her right after Caitlin had been murdered by Ari. He had never told Hollis exactly what he did. He felt that she just wouldn't have understood why he did it, she was too straight laced.

Fortunately Abby has never found out about what he did at these times. Gibbs prays that she will never find out and prays even harder that she will never find him in the process. He knows he leaves all sanity behind and gives into the primal feelings he buries underneath.

This night, or is it morning, Gibbs sits more drunk than sober in his basement. This is the only place he has ever let out his emotions in over sixteen years. He might rant and rave in the bullpen. He yells during investigations to intimidate suspects. He evens head smacks his team to get their attention. But those acts are not showing his emotions. Those expressions are more like the tension building along a fault line. And just like that tension under the earth, when his tension is released it is an earthquake of epic proportions.

So far in his life he has only let go a few times. The first time he had lost control of his emotions he had gotten into a brawl in Stillwater before he joined the Marines and left his hometown. He loved being a Marine, and he was surprised when being a sniper didn't prove to be what he thought it would. Instead each time he pulled the trigger being a release, the emotions increased.

Then he had finally married Shannon and the tension and anger seemed to seep away each time he kissed her. When he was handed his daughter and looked into her new born eyes his heart actually burst, but with love and joy. He had started building a small boat in his basement to eventually take his new small family out sailing and fishing. Shannon had questioned him as to how he would get it out of the basement. He pointed to the windows on one side of the basement and told her that it wouldn't be too hard to remove a portion of that wall and just take it out that way. The wall was not a load bearing wall and any weight could be supported with temporary beams while the boat was being removed. Besides, he might just make a true garage out of the basement so he could build a bigger boat and work on his truck. He was so proud and happy when his little girl came down the stairs to help him work on his boat. He had shown her how to always sand with the grain. He had taught her what to look for in a good piece of wood. Those were the most precious memories in his mind of his daughter. He had promised Kelly that when he got back from his deployment that they would finish the boat and go fishing. They had never gotten that chance. Instead he destroyed the boat and took the pieces to a beach. While he watched the pieces burn he held his service pistol in his hands wanting to follow the embers of the fire up in the sky and join his family.

When he finally remarried he began building another boat hoping that this time he could take his love with him out onto the waters he enjoyed. The night the divorce papers were signed he barely had to dismantle the skeleton of the boat that had barely begun to take shape, much like the marriage.

His third wife resent not only all the time that he spent at work; she also hated it when he would come home only to go down to his new boat to relax. The more she nagged the less that boat became about sharing it with her on the water and more about a place to escape and drink. She fulfilled her own accusations and that boat was destroyed the day after she left. Only this time he forgot some simple safety precautions and Ducky had had to patch his arms up from the splitters that had flown around the basement.

The fourth boat and fourth wife followed much the same pattern. Regrettably Tony had shown up early that next morning needing him to go to on a case. Tony found his boss passed out drunk in the basement. Gibbs had driven back from the boat's bonfire on the beach and drank toast after toast to each of the memories that would never have a chance now.

The fifth boat he had finally named the 'Kelly' and had almost finished her completely. Hollis had even seen him painting the name on the precious boat. But she had thought that the name was a girl friend's name. She hadn't been too far off; his daughter had been the second best female friend he had ever had. Shannon had been the first of many, many things. On what would have been his wedding anniversary with Shannon he destroyed that dream again. The end of the 'Kelly' was the ugliest bonfire he had ever made he fell asleep drunk on the beach. No one had found him except for a kindly old fisherman who helped him to his truck.

The sixth boat started out as a deep missing of the familiar relaxation of the tedious work and gentle sanding. But it wasn't too hard to leave it in the basement when he went off to Mexico when he temporarily retired. Why build one when he could sail Mike's?

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TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Second chapter-- First Cut Hurts the Worst

Spoilers—Finale season six, and any other times this happened. Okay, I am taking a little creative license and switching the timetable of two details from canon. But they make the story so much better. If you spot them and really think they don't work PM me and I might change it a tiny bit. Otherwise I think it works better.

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or much else for that matter. What I do own are my dreams and imagination, and they are priceless.

Warnings – Rated a strong T for violence, disturbing imagery and language, but not really until the second chapter. Then take the warning seriously.

A/N – Some people might think this is very OOC for Gibbs. But if you think about it, how does he let out all those emotions he keeps inside? Please give this a chance.

**First Cut Hurts the Worst**

Jethro realizes that his butt is getting numb from his long jog down nightmare lane. He stands slowly allowing his muscles to recover from the position he has semi frozen them into with his reminiscing. He reaches over to his almost empty bottle of bourbon and scowls at the thought of having to go back up stairs to get another bottle. He's been drinking a little more than usual lately and has forgotten to restock his supply in his basement. The jetlag is still messing with his head anyway making him feel half drunk, so only a fourth of a bottle of bourbon should be enough to complete the job.

"So what?" he asks himself out loud, "I'll just do this one somewhat sober and remember it more. It's the least she deserves."

He walks around the partially completed boat one last time. All boats are female he remembers, and they all lure their men away from their loved ones and off to the sea. Of all the boats that he has ever built and named after women he has loved, he knew this one would never be named and it would never have a chance to see the water. Just like the feelings for the real woman behind this boat would never have had a chance to see reality. He can feel the anger beginning to build deep in his chest and he knows it won't be long now until this part is over.

The process is always the same. First the relationship is over before he can fully finish the boat. Second, he sits in the basement staring at said boat realizing what he has done wrong to bring the relationship to an end. Then as he gets angry at whichever side he feels is more to blame he will start to pace around the boat cursing himself and the woman for the failed relationship.

That is why destroying the boat he had finished and named for his daughter Kelly was so ugly. He could not find any way to blame the innocent child that was taken from him so violently before her time. So after having lived through the hell of remembering losing her after waking up from his coma, he took the full blame on himself. His soul has never been quite the same since that experience. He knows he better get on with this before the sadness can seep in and replace the anger.

Jethro picks up the bottle and drains the last of the liquor in one long gulp. He then smashes the bottle hard enough on the boat to shatter the bottle.

"That's the only sendoff you'll ever get." He yells at the boat which now has small amounts of golden liquid streaming down its wood.

"We never had a chance. We could have never had a chance." Gibbs picks up the ax that he uses to cut wood for the fireplace and raises it above his head with both hands, "I could have loved you so much."

He cries out with all the anguish in his heart as the blade sinks deep into the wood. The first cut into the wood always hurts him the worst. The realization that yet again the chances for his dreams of happiness are over, and so another boat has to be destroyed, cuts deeper into his soul than the ax into the wood. He continues chopping at the frame of the boat while screaming everything his heart has hidden for the past four years.

"I took you into my trust."

The ax makes the sickening sound of _whack _as it sinks into the wood of the boat.

"I took you onto my team."

_Whack_

"I trusted you completely and let you into my heart."

_Whack Whack Whack_

Sweat and tears begin to pour down his face as the boat begins to shiver under his assault. He continues for several minutes until a pile of splinters begin to gather at his feet. As he looks down at a stain on the floor, his anger and pain renew in his heart.

"You killed for me."

_Whack Whack Whack_

"I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you."

_Whack_

"I was just supposed to train you and you captured me instead."

_Whack Whack Whack Whack_

As his sobs begin to keep pace with his powerful blows to the side of the boat he does not hear the quiet footfalls on his basement steps. She'd been checking to see when they would arrive when she got Tony's call. He had sworn her to secrecy, but said she might need to check in on Jethro. She watches his break down and her silent tears do not disturb him as he continues his assault on himself and the boat.

"How could I ever think you could love a dirty old bastard like me?"

_Whack_

"You had every guy panting after you without even trying."

_Whack_

"You led Tony around like some shit faced love sick puppy."

_Whack Whack Whack Whack _

"You could have saved him after Jenny died but you cut him to the damn bone instead."

_Whack Whack Whack _

"You made me choose you bitch! You made me choose and you knew I couldn't!"

The boat begins to crumble under his strong blows so he moves his attack without looking up.

"Now what am I supposed to think when that son of bitch director tells me you were playing me all along?"

_Whack Whack Whack_

"Were you really lying to me all along?"

_Whack Whack Whack_

"Did I ever have your loyalty?"

_Whack Whack Whack_

"Did I ever have your trust?"

_Whack Whack Whack_

"Could I have ever had your love Ziva?"

With a last heavy blow the boat completely falls to pieces before him. The noise almost covers the gasp she lets out at the admission he has voiced. He looks her way sharply.

"You shouldn't be here." His chest heaves as his efforts catch up with him.

"I knew you were hurting." She says walking cautiously up to him as one would walk up to a wounded wild animal.

"I never wanted you to see me like this." His tears and sweat still wet his face and his clothes are covered in splinters and dust.

"You've seen me at my worst, and still love me." She carefully takes the ax from his hands and sets it down as far away as possible without stepping away from him.

"You have never hurt me. You could never hurt me." He tries to turn away from her.

"That's not true. It hurt you when you found out about Michael." She takes the gloves off of his hands.

"I was more scared than angry." He tries to turn back towards the pile of destroyed wood.

"Come with me." She says softly brushing large splinters off of his clothes.

"I have to clean this up." He tries to argue but he lets her slowly lead him away from the pile of rubble towards the stairs.

"Later," she leads him up the basement stairs, "Your about to fall down you are so tired."

"You don't have to take care of me." He lets her tug him up to his room.

"Someone needs to." She carefully takes his sweat soaked shirt off of his shoulders as he begins to shake from fatigue.

"Go away." He tries to turn away from her one last time.

"No." She slips off his shoes.

"You were never supposed to see me break down like this." He slides off his jeans as she turns around to pull down the covers on his bed.

"I still love you. I always have. No blinders needed." She whispers as he lets her help him lay down on his bed.

"You still love me?" He asks beginning to fall asleep as she gently strokes and kisses his face and hair.

"I always will." She says placing the comforter over him as he starts to softly snore. With one last kiss to his cheek she walks out of his room. She calls Ducky to make sure he comes by in the morning and then Abby softly closes Jethro's front door behind her.


End file.
